I’ve been wearing these surgical stockings since the operation. Sexy, right? They’re to prevent blood clots and strokes. I think I’ve got the legs for them. And they remind me of a dandy Adam Ant from the 1980s, or my costume from a school production of She Stoops To Conquer, the only line of which I remember is ‘Perish the baubles! Your love is all I require!’ The play featured in a romantic novel I wrote called The Leading Man, as Kelly Scott.
I’ll let you in on a secret. There’s A Special Way to put these stockings on. It was passed to me by my cousin who does that sort of thing for a living. Well, with hands, not feet. The Secret is to put your foot in a plastic bag before rolling the stocking on, and then pulling the bag out through the toehole. Sounds mad, but it works. I can’t put the socks on by myself, so it’s all a bit of a palaver.
These are infamous feet. They were recognised in a crime reconstruction. I played a violent criminal, complete with balaclava, Halloween mask and sawn off shotgun. The show was called On The Trail, a Welsh version of Crimewatch. In one scene, I had to swing round and point the gun at the camera. I had to retake several times as my swing was a little too mincing and camp.
In one shot, us outlaws broke in through a window. There was a close up of my arse going through the window, and then my trainers disappearing after me.
Which were noticed by a friend watching it all in a Chinese take-away in Aberystwyth, who recognised me. Fortunately she didn’t phone the police and give them my name.
The footage is lost in time, like so many episodes of Doctor Who. Which is a shame, as in my mind it was a convincing and terrifying performance.
With a great arse, and memorable feet.
View From A Fridge 