Footballer comes out as full blown homosexual to rapturous applause from the Terrace and chants of ‘I Am What I am’

In a break with tradition in the supposedly macho heterosexual world of the kicking game known as football, the first premier league player has declared his Gay Pride on a live televised match. Pedro ‘Mary’ Streisand of Dolly Rovers twerked his way around the pitch wearing a sequin emblazoned jacket bearing the words ‘Out and Proud’ after he finished the match against Manchestford CityUnited last Saturday. Dolly Rovers won 1-0.

The Institute of Kickyball Studies claims that as many as 100% of the Premier League players might be gay or bisexual, despite appearances. ‘They certainly play like girls, and many of them even have manicures’, a spokesman said.

Pedro’s former girlfriend, Cazza Broomsweep-Longthorne, exclusively told us ‘I just thought his Liza Minnelli, Queen and Pet Shop Boys record collection were indications of an eclectic musical taste. We had a perfectly normal sex life that I could tell – I would go out with the girls for a prosecco and Pedro had a pint with the boys.’

Fans have enthusiastically welcome Pedro’s coming out. ‘It’s great news for the sport. It’s 2017, and of course nobody really believed that there were no gay players’ Fan ‘Dogger’ Grimes told us. ‘We’re pleased to see him show such strong self-esteem, and to act so courageously in the face of discrimination. As far as fans are concerned, the whole England team could come out, and the fans would be welcoming and supportive. Some of us might even find a date!’

The FA have not made any  comment.

*In case you haven’t noticed, this is allegedly an example of ‘satire’ I’ve written as part of a writing course. No animals were injured in the writing of this story, and any resemblance to persons and Football Legends living or dead is entirely a matter of unlikely and ludicrous coincidence

Sport Is Evil


Sport is Evil. All The Sports. I loathe and detest each and every one. I have never derived a moment’s enjoyment from playing or watching any form of sport whatsoever.

There. I’ve said it. I have no understanding of any sport, and no desire to learn. I see no point to them, aside from the fact they may stop (though occasionally cause) people to kill each other.

Yet they are everywhere. You cannot escape, or  have a ‘sport filter’ on the internet, television or media. Or even prevent your friends from spreading its poisonous influence.

Worst of all is the conflation of ‘news and sport’. So we go from stories of economic hardship, murder, war to …. the fact someone’s kicked a ball about. Worse than that, today the announcer told me to ‘look away now’ if you don’t want to know the result. What is  the point of broadcasting ‘sports news’ then? YOUR JOB IS POINTLESS.  Why is it even on a ‘news’ channel anyway when there are endless sports channels available? 

Sport announcers. A breed of people with barely an ability to communicate in any known language, who get away with lazy, overblown and excitable  ‘commentary’ consisting of cliché after cliché, peppered with casual racism, sexism and homophobia.

Yes, I hated sport and ‘PE’ as a kid. I remember being castigated for not bringing a football kit to school, resulting in my parents being forced to spend money on an expensive football kit (there’s no such thing as a cheap one, is there?!) that I hated and tried never to use. No, it didn’t traumatise me. It just reinforced an opinion I’d formed early on in childhood about the Omnipotent Tyranny of Sport.And every now and then we’re forced to endure that tiresome debate about the importance of ‘competitive sport’ in school. Despite every argument I’ve heard from politicians playing kickyball in an attempt to delude us that they’re just ordinary blokes and not over-privileged millionaires, the truth is sport has no function in school. It teaches nothing, and is a waste of time that could be better spent actually learning something useful. If you want to kick a ball or climb a rope, go outside and PLAY.

PE teachers. The smell of disappointment and failed dreams accompanies them  like Brut or Karate every time they mope into a changing room, and prepare to channel years of anger, frustration and athletic  failure against some unfortunate wimp they’re determined to bully into sport. Like a sadistic version of Conversion Therapy. In all my years of compulsory sport at school , I learnt nothing except how to shirk sports lessons and drop soap in the communal showers . More seriously, and more damagingly. it deterred me from taking any form of health or  fitness activity until well into my 30s.

And my old PE teacher got an MBE for that. He taught me nothing, on a twice weekly basis. The sum of his contribution to my education was his  smug and recalcitrant comment of  ‘satisfactory’ on my termly PE ‘reports’ – the same word, three times a year, for six years. But he liked watching young men playing rugby, apparently, which is something for us all to applaud.

I have no idea what the constantly referenced ‘Olympic ideals’ are and, quite frankly, after hearing of the whole Sochi, Beijing, and London debacles, I simply don’t believe they exist. Money, money, money is the ONLY value I see portrayed in sport – from motor racing to paralympics to rugby, cricket, horse racing. I don’t even know how these can fall under the same definition of ‘sport’. Curling, darts, snooker – really? I can see that they’re pastimes for the bored, drunk  and bewildered but – sport? Sportsmen and women make enormous amounts of money – and for those who don’t, who put in all the hours of training  just for the love of it –  don’t bother. Get a real and more productive job. Paint a picture, sing a song, read a book. Anything, anything, but the pointless pursuit of sport.

Yes, when I rule the world I will ban all of The Sports. You may argue that it would drive it underground. Good. Finally, it will have some illicit thrill. And punishment.

Next week is Sport Relief, (and the BBC never tires of reminding us of the fact, over and over again, on each and every channel, even that most evil one they ‘dedicate’ to sport) and you’re all invited to join in. Please Give Generously. For heaven’s sake, just write them a cheque and end it all. But, whatever you do, don’t bother with all that dull, tiresome, evil sport nonsense.