In a break with tradition in the supposedly macho heterosexual world of the kicking game known as football, the first premier league player has declared his Gay Pride on a live televised match. Pedro ‘Mary’ Streisand of Dolly Rovers twerked his way around the pitch wearing a sequin emblazoned jacket bearing the words ‘Out and Proud’ after he finished the match against Manchestford CityUnited last Saturday. Dolly Rovers won 1-0.
The Institute of Kickyball Studies claims that as many as 100% of the Premier League players might be gay or bisexual, despite appearances. ‘They certainly play like girls, and many of them even have manicures’, a spokesman said.
Pedro’s former girlfriend, Cazza Broomsweep-Longthorne, exclusively told us ‘I just thought his Liza Minnelli, Queen and Pet Shop Boys record collection were indications of an eclectic musical taste. We had a perfectly normal sex life that I could tell – I would go out with the girls for a prosecco and Pedro had a pint with the boys.’
Fans have enthusiastically welcome Pedro’s coming out. ‘It’s great news for the sport. It’s 2017, and of course nobody really believed that there were no gay players’ Fan ‘Dogger’ Grimes told us. ‘We’re pleased to see him show such strong self-esteem, and to act so courageously in the face of discrimination. As far as fans are concerned, the whole England team could come out, and the fans would be welcoming and supportive. Some of us might even find a date!’
The FA have not made any comment.
*In case you haven’t noticed, this is allegedly an example of ‘satire’ I’ve written as part of a writing course. No animals were injured in the writing of this story, and any resemblance to persons and Football Legends living or dead is entirely a matter of unlikely and ludicrous coincidence